I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
