So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
