he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
