My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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