There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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