this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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