White coat. Heels.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
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its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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