You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
