whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
our cab driver is having phone sex.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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