come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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