I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
