You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
