Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
