Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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