The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
