I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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