Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
