Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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