It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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