so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Randomize
