I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
