When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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