dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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