He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
