Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
