I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
