everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
whose ass print is on the piano?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
