can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
