Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I'm passing your future prison.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
When are your genitals available?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
