Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
im six kinds of drunk right now
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
