I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
