Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
