I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
