im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
