Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
soo... how was my night?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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