He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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