Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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