i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
