i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
