So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
