His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
