Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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