last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
We're too hungover to prance.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
