watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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