who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
