saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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