you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
