So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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