people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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