Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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