sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
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We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
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Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize