What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He shit in the fireplace
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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