I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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