ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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