I need to stop coming to work sober
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
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