I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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